Sleeping

Do people who never marry have problems with sleeping alone? Do they even wonder what it's like to have someone in the bed?  I wonder if I will will get use to it......
I'm a huge snuggler,  a very affectionate person, I love to hug, be hugged, and love touch.  For a good year before ending my marriage I cried for nights at the fact that being able to be that way might come to a end.  I can honestly say I'm not sure I will ever get use to sleeping alone.
I have pillows and I wrap myself in my comforter in a way that I feel secure, but nothing works.  When I was dating a while back, we would lay down on the floor or cuddle on the couch...Can I tell you how secure that makes a person feel.  Not only the aspect of being with someone you love but the fact that your safe in that persons arms. I can't tell you how much I miss that.
At first, after my divorce, I didn't really miss it....when you've been in a bad relationship it kinda just goes away. But then it hits....there is no one there to roll over to and love,  or cuddle with, or to spoon.
There are more days then not that I soooo miss that soooo bad....eventually I hope it goes away and I get us to the sleep by myself.

Dreams

Have you ever wondered why we dream what we dream? Why they seem so real? Why they make us feel good but when we wake up they make us sad?

I had a dream last night that was soooo real I loved every moment of it. I knew I was waking up and so didn't want to because I knew it would go away.  Well it ended and I cried.

The dream felt great and made me feel so alive.  I miss him and all his amazing qualities. I look at pictures of him and wonder what I could of done different or how I could of changed it. And maybe I could've but I would have tried anything.

He's the last of the three. The one that I wasn't sure about other then the fact that he was just there in my life. They are all married.....maybe it's time to look at me. Maybe it wasn't them but me instead. Maybe I tried to hard or I wanted it so bad.

As someone once said what doesn't kill you makes you stronger continues to be the theme of my life. But today I don't feel so strong though.....

As a child

My thoughts are simple tonight and with lots of wondering. I wonder what it would be to be like a child and have someone close to you and hold you as you cry and rub your arm or hair and tell you that it will all be okay. That it will go away, that right now it may hurt but the hurt doesn't last forever! And hold and rock you till those feelings of sadness drift away.

I pray that one day the hurt will be gone and that this feeling doesn't last forever.

That feeling....

Have you ever had that sick, worried, concerned feeling that just doesn't go away? Or has some one ever said to you "Don't worry bout it...things will be fine." Well I've got it....to the point I'd like to puke.

My Ex husband and I go in for mediation Tuesday at 4 to try and resolve some issues that have to deal with our children. I've never been nervous or concerned about it or being in the same room as him or anything like that because I have a lot of people praying for me and a lot on my side.

Tonight the girls and I went to my folks to drop off something and I get this text that says:
                   I have sent you a letter that you want to look over before we.         meet on Tuesday it should be there Saturday.

We'll the text cam from my Ex and I'm just in knots.  What on earth does he think he is trying to do. Why can't things just work?  Why can't he see that this isn't going to work?  Dude I'm sorry that you have children and RESPONSIBILITIES...... get over it!

In wonder if one day this can all be at peace.  And if and when that time happens.... Well let's just say it will be a great day.

The Sun

Have you ever watched the sun set or rise? Last night I forgot to turn my blinds down. So this morning I woke up just in time go see that beautiful sun start to rise..... Man was that beautiful.  There were purples and reds that filled the morning sky. Breathtaking!
I wonder how many people apprericiate those simple things. The ones that God created.......I consider myself a very simple person. I don't require much and have little. And it s wonderful to know that simple things, like the sun rise and green grass, can make a person. It makes you forget the busy of the day or the chaos at night. It helps sometimes to put a person in check and to help them realize that life isn't just a blur or a quick flash.
Take it in and wonder the simpleness!

Stupid

Have you ever felt just stupid?  Well today I did stupid and felt stupid.  I decided to go against my brain and went with my heart and I messaged you. I don't know why I did it, but it was just plain stupid. The conversation carried for three messages back and that was it!  What was I really thinking!  My heart thought you might of been different but my brain just keep saying "Well duh stupid, what did you expect!" Over the last three months you were still you and I could smack myself for thinking it would of changed.
I wonder why people say things when in the long run they really don't give a shit!  I really thought that we met that one awesome day for a reason, but in the long run it wasn't. Just as fast as you came into my life you left. I'm sorry for being stupid, it won't happen again.

Karma

Have you ever wondered about karma? Well this week has been a week that I care not remember. I've wondered why it happens to some and not to others.  Why do some pass it like their favorite class in school and others fail and things kick them in the butt.
I have this boss that drives me to drink (even though I don't) and I wonder with all the bad (which soooo out weighs the good) why is she still here. My other boss tells me to be patient ....and in good time karma will kick in.  People need to know that she is in the wrong and know that some of the things she does needs to be carefully examined.

I miss you

I miss you.  I miss you like the winter misses snow and the summer misses the heat.  I miss you like the heart misses its beat. I talk about how much I miss you like the cloudy sky misses the rain in the drought. I've wondered for months how life is and if you're okay.  I wonder how your little family is and if things have been great with them. Every time I hear the piano I wish you were here; with my head on your shoulder listening to the perfect sound it makes. I loved you and wanted and yearned for more!  I miss your laugh and how you made me laugh.  I miss your amazing smile and the looks you would give me when I would just stare at you and your handsome face.  I miss they way my kids would talk about how they miss you and how we could only have pillow fights if you were at the house.  At the end of the day I lay and wonder where you are and wonder if the miss is really a miss.... And then the heart beats and I know it's real. I miss you more than winter misses snow and the summer misses the heat.  I miss you more than a drought misses the rain. I miss you handsome more than the piano misses the music. I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone.

This isn't a wonder its a I knew it.....

Several posts ago I wrote about some feelings about my divorce and how I felt about my ex's family.  Well I hate saying I told you so, but I told ya so.

Recently there was a death in their family and I knew that it was only time before a change would hit my girls lives.  You see, my ex hadn't spoken or seen his biological mother for about four years. So, as a favor to the girls and to her, I would let them go over, have weekend sleepovers, be apart of birthdays, holidays, and such only because my ex had his priorities mixed up and his head up his butt.  She always told me that she loved him and prayed every night that he would come back into her life.  I would then think to myself......and I would become the evil ex-wife.

After this funeral of that loved one, Bethaine came home talking about how her dad went and how he held the casket and how him and his biological mother were now talking.  Good for him I thought, but felt upset.  The truth surly came out last weekend.  See Bethanie was just baptized and I sent invitations to some of my ex's family that I knew would want to be there and help support Bethaine in this decision.  Well his biological mother happened to be one of them.  Usually she would've called to say whether she could come or not.  This time nothing.....in fact she didn't even show up.

Here is were the I told you so comes into play.......if in fact he has reconnected with her, I have become the evil ex-wife.  And I have decided to be done!!!  It was never my responsibility to let my girls visit her or have her be apart of their lives.  From now on it is his responsibility!!!  No more bending over backwards to help him or his biological mother out! 

The one thing that I have learned in the past five years of being divorced is it doesn't pay to be nice.....cause you just get walked on over and over and over again!!

Matters of the Heart

Have you ever wondered how the heart really works when it comes to its other function....the one besides pumping blood throughout your body?  I know first had what it feels like to have a broken heart.....my divorce!

Have you ever wondered why it falls so fast?  I can remember the first time we met.  I looked at you and thought to myself....'Man I am dating the WRONG guy!!!!'  The whole night you had me in awe with everything.  Your looks, mannerisms, the way you could carry on a conversation, to how you held your self in front of the public....how come I hadn't found you first.  From that day on I was hooked.  Getting to know you and what you were all about, where you came from and how your story unfolded....I was hooked.  I am still hooked, but......oh of course there is a but.  I would love to say that we are together today, but I can't.

Recently I thought that one door had closed so one could open, but.....Yes there is that damn word. BUT.......I think it should be taken out of the dictionary.  I love being around him....he so makes me feel alive and full of breathe.  One problem I've changed who I was and am and I am not sure that the life I live is something that he wants to live.  We joke about it often and I have prayed that one day he will change, but I have lived that life and I can't and won't do it again!  There is a reason we met and why I feel more for him then I have anyone in a long time I don't know.....that damn heart!

To you, my perfect man: I do wish things were different. I wish that dreams came true and that we could be...I wish that the dream I had as a girl of finding Mr. Perfect was as easy as it is in the movies and in dreams.  But I understand that it doesn't and being with you isn't as easy as asking.  I do love you and want you to know that.  You are very important to me and I am grateful to have you in my life.

I wonder.....can you heal every time its broken?

Divorce

My mind is full tonight of this one word.....Divorce.....and why?  Good question, but what I do know is that it sucks, its horrible, it needs to be removed from the dictionary, and it makes people hate.  Being married to someone for a period of time and becoming part of that name you take means nothing when this word comes into play.  And people will say: "Well of course in means nothing, you are divorced. Duh!"  I like to think that my situation was and is different.

I am still pretty involved with my ex's family.  The girls see them on major holidays and birthdays.  We keep in contact through FB and texting and phone calls.  They have even 'taken in', as part of the girls, Bentlee who has no relation what so ever.  People have always thought that it was strange. I have somewhat felt the same but not.  I feel that it is important for my two oldest girls to see their grandparents on their dad's side of the family. And since he has nothing to do with them, why should I allow the girls to miss out on those opportunities. When you learn to love people and have special places in your heart for them, divorce doesn't changed that, at least to me! I still feel for them as if they were family. I care what happens to them, whether it be great things or bad things.  When he comes to terms with what he has done and doesn't allow himself to be blinded by it, our situation will change. And I have and will accept it at that time.  It may be difficult, but that is so par for the course around here.  Until then the girls will continue to be involved in their lives. 

I really don't like the word hate and try with all my might to not use it, but today I hate you!!!!    I hate what you put me through and what you put our girls through today.  I hate that you have taken everything that you know and have thrown it away.  What the hell happened to you that made you throw it all away?  I cry most for those that raised you so much better than the behavior you portray now. I also cry for the two little innocent girls that have to question their father's love for them every time you cancel on them or don't answer the phone.  I have to pick-up those pieces every time you let them down and I hate you for that!!!!!  I believe in karma and let me tell you that when it hits, it isn't going to be pretty.  I pray everyday, not for my sake that's for sure, that your heart will be softened.  That whatever is holding or blinding you goes away and you realize what you have done to those people that love and loved you the most.  Maybe that day will never come but for some I hope it does and they can forgive you for what you have done to them!

Today a tragedy hit my ex family and I am indeed full of sorry.  Granted my girls never knew this member or the family, but that doesn't mean we as a family don't feel for them like their extended family feels.  I am at a loss for words and I pray that strength and comfort will help them through this tragic event.  That they know we, once known as a family, do love them and wish the circumstances were different.  May our Heavenly Father's plan guide you through this event and keep you strong in the knowledge that we have about Forever.

I don't wonder why divorce happens and I wouldn't change mine, but I just hate it!

Million miles an hour

Have you ever had your brain going soo fast that you don't think it will hold one more thing?  Right now I feel that exact way. I so need to unload.......
First things first.....the opposite sex. I ended a 6 month relationship via FB. Well I actually didn't he did and I just finished my end. I sit here full of no emotion. I'm not sad or angry or hurt over it. I miss the companionship,  the snuggles, the touch, and the fact I wasn't alone. I then look at the opposite end...was it even worth being together when the relationship was based off of one thing.  Did he really love me like he said or was it that one thing that keep him coming .........which leads me to my next thought .....
I've have this good friend whom I would love to be more than 'just friends', but as he puts it I can't handle him.  Anyway we had this conversation several weeks back about why he hasn't just sleep with me.....he says he values our relationship too much to ruin it for that one act. Thanks cause I'm not sure I could handle losing him. He is the smile on my face, the laughter in my laugh, the missing piece to that puzzle, and the rays that come from the sun.  He is amazing!
I often find myself thinking about him and wonder What if.....
Second.......Why is it so hard to keep up on this house and the cleaning and the laundry and those damn dishes!  I'm not an addict who watches TV all the time or sits in front of the computer all day.....its a never ending battle. For one if my oldest would stop wearing three to four outfits a day, we might be able to accomplish the laundry. The kitchen well that's a whole other post ......really how many cups a day can we use?
I wonder what it would be like to be able to hire a maid....
Well I've unloaded a little for now.....I wonder if that will be enough for my brain to slow down......

Sex

I've come to the realization in the past few years that Sex complicates soooo many things. I've had it made known through me and others. As a member of LDS faith, we are asked to refrain from such activities until we are married.  Which makes perfect sense.  Unfortunately I've had to learn the hard way. My marriage of eight years wasn't the best.....hence my divorce. Its hard to feel that you've never been truly loved and I went in search of that after my divorce and ended up thinking I had it but in the end they just wanted that one thing.

I've been in a relationship since July with a wonderful guy. But I'm not sure how I feel now.......I have changed my ways and am glad to say that I am headed back on that straight and narrow path back to my Heavenly Father. This guy and I went beyond that path and ventured. When I decided that I was missing something in life, not only myself but my children, everything changed.  He, being of the same faith, told me it didn't matter if we did those things or not. And that i would have his support.  Well I'm not sure what really happened ......either he didn't think I would goo through with it or I was.....my relationship with him has sooooo changed. Words can't describe the unemotional aspect that came into the relationship.

I just wonder how our relationship would be if we still ventured down that road.......