Circles

Do you ever feel like life goes in circles.....you look at where you are in life and you think.....haven't I already been here?  And the more and more I think about it....yes I have! And then the next question is but why am I back?
Unfortunately I wish I had the answer.  I wish I had the answer to a lot of question.....I know for a fact that my life would be sooooooooooooo less complicated and messed up. I would know so much that life would be full of happiness and notvof tears as nd sorrow. I would know where that missing piece would fit and the past would be the past!

Sleeping

Do people who never marry have problems with sleeping alone? Do they even wonder what it's like to have someone in the bed?  I wonder if I will will get use to it......
I'm a huge snuggler,  a very affectionate person, I love to hug, be hugged, and love touch.  For a good year before ending my marriage I cried for nights at the fact that being able to be that way might come to a end.  I can honestly say I'm not sure I will ever get use to sleeping alone.
I have pillows and I wrap myself in my comforter in a way that I feel secure, but nothing works.  When I was dating a while back, we would lay down on the floor or cuddle on the couch...Can I tell you how secure that makes a person feel.  Not only the aspect of being with someone you love but the fact that your safe in that persons arms. I can't tell you how much I miss that.
At first, after my divorce, I didn't really miss it....when you've been in a bad relationship it kinda just goes away. But then it hits....there is no one there to roll over to and love,  or cuddle with, or to spoon.
There are more days then not that I soooo miss that soooo bad....eventually I hope it goes away and I get us to the sleep by myself.

Dreams

Have you ever wondered why we dream what we dream? Why they seem so real? Why they make us feel good but when we wake up they make us sad?

I had a dream last night that was soooo real I loved every moment of it. I knew I was waking up and so didn't want to because I knew it would go away.  Well it ended and I cried.

The dream felt great and made me feel so alive.  I miss him and all his amazing qualities. I look at pictures of him and wonder what I could of done different or how I could of changed it. And maybe I could've but I would have tried anything.

He's the last of the three. The one that I wasn't sure about other then the fact that he was just there in my life. They are all married.....maybe it's time to look at me. Maybe it wasn't them but me instead. Maybe I tried to hard or I wanted it so bad.

As someone once said what doesn't kill you makes you stronger continues to be the theme of my life. But today I don't feel so strong though.....

As a child

My thoughts are simple tonight and with lots of wondering. I wonder what it would be to be like a child and have someone close to you and hold you as you cry and rub your arm or hair and tell you that it will all be okay. That it will go away, that right now it may hurt but the hurt doesn't last forever! And hold and rock you till those feelings of sadness drift away.

I pray that one day the hurt will be gone and that this feeling doesn't last forever.

That feeling....

Have you ever had that sick, worried, concerned feeling that just doesn't go away? Or has some one ever said to you "Don't worry bout it...things will be fine." Well I've got it....to the point I'd like to puke.

My Ex husband and I go in for mediation Tuesday at 4 to try and resolve some issues that have to deal with our children. I've never been nervous or concerned about it or being in the same room as him or anything like that because I have a lot of people praying for me and a lot on my side.

Tonight the girls and I went to my folks to drop off something and I get this text that says:
                   I have sent you a letter that you want to look over before we.         meet on Tuesday it should be there Saturday.

We'll the text cam from my Ex and I'm just in knots.  What on earth does he think he is trying to do. Why can't things just work?  Why can't he see that this isn't going to work?  Dude I'm sorry that you have children and RESPONSIBILITIES...... get over it!

In wonder if one day this can all be at peace.  And if and when that time happens.... Well let's just say it will be a great day.

The Sun

Have you ever watched the sun set or rise? Last night I forgot to turn my blinds down. So this morning I woke up just in time go see that beautiful sun start to rise..... Man was that beautiful.  There were purples and reds that filled the morning sky. Breathtaking!
I wonder how many people apprericiate those simple things. The ones that God created.......I consider myself a very simple person. I don't require much and have little. And it s wonderful to know that simple things, like the sun rise and green grass, can make a person. It makes you forget the busy of the day or the chaos at night. It helps sometimes to put a person in check and to help them realize that life isn't just a blur or a quick flash.
Take it in and wonder the simpleness!

Stupid

Have you ever felt just stupid?  Well today I did stupid and felt stupid.  I decided to go against my brain and went with my heart and I messaged you. I don't know why I did it, but it was just plain stupid. The conversation carried for three messages back and that was it!  What was I really thinking!  My heart thought you might of been different but my brain just keep saying "Well duh stupid, what did you expect!" Over the last three months you were still you and I could smack myself for thinking it would of changed.
I wonder why people say things when in the long run they really don't give a shit!  I really thought that we met that one awesome day for a reason, but in the long run it wasn't. Just as fast as you came into my life you left. I'm sorry for being stupid, it won't happen again.