Divorce

My mind is full tonight of this one word.....Divorce.....and why?  Good question, but what I do know is that it sucks, its horrible, it needs to be removed from the dictionary, and it makes people hate.  Being married to someone for a period of time and becoming part of that name you take means nothing when this word comes into play.  And people will say: "Well of course in means nothing, you are divorced. Duh!"  I like to think that my situation was and is different.

I am still pretty involved with my ex's family.  The girls see them on major holidays and birthdays.  We keep in contact through FB and texting and phone calls.  They have even 'taken in', as part of the girls, Bentlee who has no relation what so ever.  People have always thought that it was strange. I have somewhat felt the same but not.  I feel that it is important for my two oldest girls to see their grandparents on their dad's side of the family. And since he has nothing to do with them, why should I allow the girls to miss out on those opportunities. When you learn to love people and have special places in your heart for them, divorce doesn't changed that, at least to me! I still feel for them as if they were family. I care what happens to them, whether it be great things or bad things.  When he comes to terms with what he has done and doesn't allow himself to be blinded by it, our situation will change. And I have and will accept it at that time.  It may be difficult, but that is so par for the course around here.  Until then the girls will continue to be involved in their lives. 

I really don't like the word hate and try with all my might to not use it, but today I hate you!!!!    I hate what you put me through and what you put our girls through today.  I hate that you have taken everything that you know and have thrown it away.  What the hell happened to you that made you throw it all away?  I cry most for those that raised you so much better than the behavior you portray now. I also cry for the two little innocent girls that have to question their father's love for them every time you cancel on them or don't answer the phone.  I have to pick-up those pieces every time you let them down and I hate you for that!!!!!  I believe in karma and let me tell you that when it hits, it isn't going to be pretty.  I pray everyday, not for my sake that's for sure, that your heart will be softened.  That whatever is holding or blinding you goes away and you realize what you have done to those people that love and loved you the most.  Maybe that day will never come but for some I hope it does and they can forgive you for what you have done to them!

Today a tragedy hit my ex family and I am indeed full of sorry.  Granted my girls never knew this member or the family, but that doesn't mean we as a family don't feel for them like their extended family feels.  I am at a loss for words and I pray that strength and comfort will help them through this tragic event.  That they know we, once known as a family, do love them and wish the circumstances were different.  May our Heavenly Father's plan guide you through this event and keep you strong in the knowledge that we have about Forever.

I don't wonder why divorce happens and I wouldn't change mine, but I just hate it!

Million miles an hour

Have you ever had your brain going soo fast that you don't think it will hold one more thing?  Right now I feel that exact way. I so need to unload.......
First things first.....the opposite sex. I ended a 6 month relationship via FB. Well I actually didn't he did and I just finished my end. I sit here full of no emotion. I'm not sad or angry or hurt over it. I miss the companionship,  the snuggles, the touch, and the fact I wasn't alone. I then look at the opposite end...was it even worth being together when the relationship was based off of one thing.  Did he really love me like he said or was it that one thing that keep him coming .........which leads me to my next thought .....
I've have this good friend whom I would love to be more than 'just friends', but as he puts it I can't handle him.  Anyway we had this conversation several weeks back about why he hasn't just sleep with me.....he says he values our relationship too much to ruin it for that one act. Thanks cause I'm not sure I could handle losing him. He is the smile on my face, the laughter in my laugh, the missing piece to that puzzle, and the rays that come from the sun.  He is amazing!
I often find myself thinking about him and wonder What if.....
Second.......Why is it so hard to keep up on this house and the cleaning and the laundry and those damn dishes!  I'm not an addict who watches TV all the time or sits in front of the computer all day.....its a never ending battle. For one if my oldest would stop wearing three to four outfits a day, we might be able to accomplish the laundry. The kitchen well that's a whole other post ......really how many cups a day can we use?
I wonder what it would be like to be able to hire a maid....
Well I've unloaded a little for now.....I wonder if that will be enough for my brain to slow down......

Sex

I've come to the realization in the past few years that Sex complicates soooo many things. I've had it made known through me and others. As a member of LDS faith, we are asked to refrain from such activities until we are married.  Which makes perfect sense.  Unfortunately I've had to learn the hard way. My marriage of eight years wasn't the best.....hence my divorce. Its hard to feel that you've never been truly loved and I went in search of that after my divorce and ended up thinking I had it but in the end they just wanted that one thing.

I've been in a relationship since July with a wonderful guy. But I'm not sure how I feel now.......I have changed my ways and am glad to say that I am headed back on that straight and narrow path back to my Heavenly Father. This guy and I went beyond that path and ventured. When I decided that I was missing something in life, not only myself but my children, everything changed.  He, being of the same faith, told me it didn't matter if we did those things or not. And that i would have his support.  Well I'm not sure what really happened ......either he didn't think I would goo through with it or I was.....my relationship with him has sooooo changed. Words can't describe the unemotional aspect that came into the relationship.

I just wonder how our relationship would be if we still ventured down that road.......