Dating

So dating sure has changed since I was dating my ex-husband. Idk if it is me and I'm not in the loop.

What happened to going out to dinner, movies, shopping, bowling, fun centers, hell I'd even go to the library to check out books or old movies.  What happened to complementing each other .....like when one has a new hair cut or colors their hair. Oh BTW you look nice in that outfit or Oh are those new jeans.
Granted I only had one real boyfriend before I met my Ex and only have that to go off of ......My ex and I really just got married. I mean we did date but it was very short before getting married.

Maybe I'm too old school or have no idea what it means to date. I wish there was someone out there that could either tell me or show me how it is supposed to be.

Hmmmm I wonder

The one that got away....

Have you ever wondered about him/her.....the one that got away or the one that chose a different path than you or the one that is still just there.  Well I do......Yes I will admit that I have had different feelings about the realationship I am in now. Ones where I question if it is right, am I doing it because of the status, is it for real, and even ones of dumbfoundedness (if that is even a word).  I am sure that he will be reading this and I will have to answer his questions, but for now I need to get this off my chest.  I have loved these wonders of my life and still love one, but.................

To the one that go away......I question why?  What did I do wrong?  Was it ever meant to be?  Why the string along?  Why did you choose her and not me?  I have answered that myself a million times.....it was because of my most precious gift.....Bentlee.  You chose her over me because I had a baby and you were too selfish to allow her in your life.  I was never asking for you to be her dad or to take care of her, but to just love me and see how it would go.  Yes I know having a baby stops your life for awhile, but they do grow up and become people themselves.  To answer your thoughts, NO NOT EVER would I take it back!!  Your loss my gain.

To the one that chose a different pay.......Why?  Again I have answered that myself a million times......MONEY!  You chose money over me because someone else had it and was willing to pay your way to and for everything.  What happened to LOVE?  Maybe that is not how life is anymore.  Maybe to you that is a must and you don't love.  I don't know and nor will I ever.  I want someone to love me for who I am and what I have to offer.  Yes money isn't one of them, but I am an awesome person, a loving person, a passionate person, a sweet spirited person, and I have a lot to offer.  To answer your thoughts again...... NO NOT EVER would I take it back!!  Your loss my gain.

To the one that is still just there.....Why?  This is the one that troubles me!!  And maybe I think too much and look into things more than I should. You are the ideal man/partner/lover/guy that every women dreams of being with, but yet they don't want to be with(according to you).  I have said on more than one occasion to myself: "I would marry you tomorrow!!!"  I wouldn't and don't need a long drawn out dating/relationship....lets just get it done!  But life just doesn't happen that way, no matter how you try. So why?  That is the wonder........

Thanksgiving

Today I'm thankful for:
My life
My three B's
My health
My Savior, Jesus Christ
My parents
My Freedom

I love.....

I read a saying the other day that read:

 

 

Live right Now

Just be yourself

I doesn't matter

if its good enough for someone else.

 

 

I sooooo believe this is ture.

The thoughts running through my head since last night are all over the place.  I layed in bed last night trying to make sense of all of them and this is what I came up with:

 

I love to love

I love to be loved

I love honesty

I love to be held

I love to be touched

I love to laugh

I love that Jesus is my Savior and Redemer

I love my children

I love those that speak honesty

I love to be wined and dined

I love the movies

I love giving affection

I love getting affection

I love the support from my parents

I love to be me

I love to take long walks

I love to be with others

I love long indepth conversations

I love to be able to speak freely

I love a winter storm

I love the cool breeze through my window at night

I love love

I love french fries with my frosty

I love the stars at night

I love the mountains

I love communitcation

I love my toes painted

I love the thought of being rich

I love life....................

One year ago....

One year ago I decided to make a huge decision, not only for huge health issues but because I was done. That decision was to have my tubs cut, tied, and burned shut.  I wanted no chances of ever getting prego again.  I have had three pregnancies with high blood pressure, toxemia, and pre-eclampsia.  I wasn't willing to ever EVER do it again.

Today I still wonder if that decision was the right one.  I hold Bentlee and look at her and wonder could I of done it again?  I cry that I will never feel the movement or kicks of a little one inside of me, the bad heart burn and the constant peeing, and the throwing up every single morning and throughout the day.

I wonder what it would of been like to of had an amazing husband standing by me, coaching me on, kissing me and telling me he loves me.  Holding my hand telling me I can do it and me wanting to punch him in the face because of how I felt.  I won't lie....I really do wish I had that with all my girls.  I may have been married the first two children, but I did it alone.  I had my mom and my sisters with me while the so called hubby sat in the waiting room with his family.  The third girl, my mom again.  Its funny how she has been the one to have cut all my children's cords.

And here I am today at the door of another huge decision which will enable me completely for carrying a child, even through invetrofertilization.  Do I do it for me, myself, and I? Or do I just wait it out.......I wonder????

So I have decided to leave facebook....I wonder how life will be not keeping up with the Jones'. There are times in my life that I have so much I want to say that FB doesn't work. Please join me in my adventure of life.